I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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