There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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