shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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