Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
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