We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
