My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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