Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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