Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
40s are totally the cure
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
