I faked an abortion last night.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
