just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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