she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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