finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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