paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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