now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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