I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
