So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
barbara walters just said penis...
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Randomize
