Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
