We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
