she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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