I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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