I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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