he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
he told me I talked like a deaf person
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
