a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
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