Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Randomize