does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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