I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
