I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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