So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
