So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize