I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Help. Why am I so naked?
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
