fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
