you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Randomize
