Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Randomize