I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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