Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
