I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Randomize
