She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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