I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
