I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
