i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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