see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
