Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
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