shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
