I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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