I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize