so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize