worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Four minutes until I can fart!
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Randomize