what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
