i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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