She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
