bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
