Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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