tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
