The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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