Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
