Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
How external is "for external use only"?
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
