I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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