Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
You ruined the universe
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
