Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
