I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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