guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Randomize
