I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Randomize
