Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
