Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
