You don't have asthma, your pregnant
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
