I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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